


you shall return

by juliabaccari



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 15:35:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18501898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliabaccari/pseuds/juliabaccari
Summary: klaus returns to the hargeeves mansion, and to diego, this one last time. but it's the last time for all of them.





	you shall return

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to my other umbrella academy fic, "once you know it's down you go" - and the style is similar i.e. a bit out of the traditional to reflect klaus's frame of mind. So be warned if stylistic departure from the rules of capitalization and punctuation isn't really your thing?

 

it’s in the shift of diego’s eyes when klaus enters the living room. he crosses diego’s path purposefully on his way to the bar, not even a how-do-you-do to his siblings before his hands are on a bottle

outwardly, diego doesn’t seem bothered, doesn’t even seem to acknowledge klaus despite the fact that it’s been a few years since they last saw each other

it’s imperceptible, probably, unless you know what you’re looking for

and klaus does  
it’s a useful skill to pick up, the places he’s been  
the way to get what you want from someone - when you’re a formerly rich and definitely fucked up “superpowered” bastard, when all you’ve really got is your dark eyes and your wicked smile (and the ghostsghostsghosts screaming but there’s the drugs for that, there’s the drugs)

diego doesn’t want to show any interest, especially in front of the others - but it’s there

and so what if it is? they’ve barely seen each other these past thirteen years, they’re practically strangers, and the only difference between diego and some man at the club is diego doesn’t have anything klaus wants

(though that is not, strictly speaking, true  
klaus is a good liar though - and he’s best at lying to himself)

diego had always been the sibling klaus is closest to (well, except for ben, although in some ways klaus never had a choice about that friendship) but he grew up into exactly klaus’s type, and isn’t that just a _trip_

it’s certainly a bad idea to indulge any baser whims in regards to his adoptive brother, but it’s not like klaus is known for resisting temptation 

and

it’s not exactly the first time

but klaus pretends not to remember that

\--- the funny thing about never being sober is it gets harder and harder to lose all the memories, all the endless horrible minutes, all his mistakes and bad decisions, that he was trying to forget by getting high

the ghosts stay away, though  
and he’s so, so sorry for that, ben, so sorry-

but that’s why diego’s hand on his shoulder is familiar, that warm-yet-cautious way he grips him when klaus begs a ride off of him, as if he knows klaus is so unsteady he could be blown away by the lightest wind and disappear into the ether

and, oh, that indulgent smile, tinged with frustration; that scar running along his temple that klaus pretends he doesn’t recognize

“and you say I can’t take care of myself, look what you’ve done.”

they both ignore diego’s shudder at the butterfly-light press of klaus’s fingers

klaus knows it’s been so long since diego felt hands on him that weren’t trying to make bruises, and it’s been longer since klaus asked for anything less than rough from a lover, keeping everyone at arm’s length or at the end of a rope -

“makes you look badass though, batman”

diego tries not to smile at that, and klaus relishes in his failure

(he wishes diego wouldn’t play those vigilante games, because even in the comic books the good man always dies

but then again, klaus’s days are numbered too, and he’s no hero)

maybe he’d say more, if they’d actually gotten those waffles together, but as it is diego runs off again to go play cops and robbers (with eudora? klaus doesn’t want to know) and he is left with ben to find a place to roost

(he always sits in the backseat so ben doesn’t have to sit alone)

he didn’t want a ride, not really, just a moment alone with diego but now he pretends that the diner was his destination all along

(if he could just be alone with diego, maybe their interactions can be more. more than flirting so outrageous it seems like just a joke, more than words as sharp as diego’s knives brushed off like dirt from his shoulder. it can be an answer to the question he’s wanted to ask for years: do you remember? do you regret it? do you want to do it again, and more, more, more?)

ben’s expression is wary as he sits across the booth from klaus, the twist of his mouth at once concerned and judgemental. that’s always been a special trick of his - even his scorn never really has any sharpness to it, even his disdain is gently given. it’s as if ben’s always done his best to soften the blow of the monsters he houses - housed - inside his body by having this calm, pleasant exterior

sometimes klaus wants to ask if the monsters followed him into death, but he’s not sure he wants to know, not sure ben is able to talk about it

(after all, they say your demons can kill you, they say it all the time in rehab and klaus just has to laugh because they didn’t mean - well, they didn’t mean that)

“klaus,” ben says, starting off quiet yet firm, as klaus digs into his waffles (thank god for the cash old reggie had stuffed in his desk). “do you think now’s really the right time to -” he makes a vague gesture that klaus interprets to mean _bone down your adoptive brother_ , even though ben probably means something more like _indulge your extremely erratic whims and dig yourself into a deep, painful, inescapable hole, playing games when you and i both know you’re in love with him?_

“it’s never the right time.” klaus says, and he doesn’t care that the lady with her kids in the booth behind him is giving him weird looks. he’s not gonna stop acknowledging ben just because no one else can see him (he saw diego looking at him in the rearview mirror when he spoke to ben, but diego’s never judged him, he just got that strange sad look in his eyes like he misses ben, too. it only makes klaus love him more)

“so why do this to yourself?”

“i haven’t done anything, yet.”

“that’s not true -”

“i told you, that august club thing was - a fluke.” klaus flutters a hand, carelessly gesturing with a fork full of whipped cream

“and a fluke caused him to break up with eudora?”

“we have no confirmation those two things were related at all,” klaus points at ben. “and i’m not - i’m not doing anything here, with diego. i’m allowed to spend time with him, aren’t i? especially after - you know, dad dying, and everything.”

“you need to be careful. i remember what you were like, after last time.”

(he remembers walking in the park, parting ways from diego at the entrance and returning to that tree to cry. the one that reminded him of diego: tall and strong with snarled lines carved into the bark. he remembers going out that night, taking whatever he could get his hands on and fucking some guy in the bathroom, hands gripping tight to dark hair and every time the stranger whispered in spanish klaus bit him. he remembers waking up the next morning and deciding to cut his tether - to let himself fall away from diego, bit by bit. he remembers feeling. nothing)

“i’m fine. really, couldn’t care less about diego’s shapely calves and pretty mouth, or whatever.” klaus throws in a lascivious wink for good measure, and ben just sighs

klaus has always been so good at trampling all over ben’s good intentions and reasonable advice

he doesn’t deserve ben’s help, anyway, and if everything were right in the world ben wouldn’t have to stay stuck to klaus’s side just to exist

klaus wishes he could just set him free  
.

the drugs are weak and the ghosts are strong tonight, and klaus wants to fall into the river like ophelia in her weighty gown, flowers clutched in her hands

_“rosemary, that one’s for remembrance”  
\--- yes, yes, and he is never able to fucking forget_

he takes a bath instead, because despite his self-destructive tendencies and his lack of self worth, he’s never really wanted to die

(he doesn’t want to end up haunting anyone else, after all)

he’s surprised when diego seeks him out. he appears in the doorway just as klaus is turning on the faucet, and klaus steadfastly ignores the way his heart stops for a second

it’s all concern, the “you haven’t been eating” and “i saw your rehab chip, i know you’re talking to ben again, but you’re taking the pills too and we both know how that goes” and “klaus, please, stop doing this shit to yourself” and klaus tunes it out because this is all just noise. it feels like it should matter, but it means nothing. it’s not what either of them really want to talk about. it’s not what klaus wants to hear

diego frowns at him and sits on the bathroom counter as klaus prepares his bath, and klaus is just on edge (sober) enough that he’s thinking of telling diego to fuck off, even if it’s the last thing he needs

— he needs a hit, but fuck, he can’t remember where he left his coat, allison’s room, maybe?  
(he needs to tell diego how he feels; he needs to shove off this burden crushing his chest)

“hey - klaus, are you listening?” diego snaps a finger, and klaus’s eyes fly to him, he can’t help it, like a fucking moth and a flame and he sort of hates himself. not because diego doesn’t deserve the adoration, but because he’s gonna drag diego down with him, one of these days

and well, ye olde apocalypse is on its merry way, if five’s to be believed

“not really” he says, petulant, and strips off his shirt. out of the corner of his eye he watches diego eye him, although there wasn’t much shirt to begin with anyway

“you gonna join me?” klaus asks, purposefully teasing, just an edge of cruelty to his tone. diego just sighs

he leaves when klaus climbs into the tub, but he watches him carefully until the moment klaus is submerged in the water, and he knows with absolute certainty it took everything in diego not to touch 

he’s gonna ask diego about that, once he gets around to it 

(they’re already going to hell, baby)

.

he doesn’t quite get around to it, because he’s kidnapped and tortured, and forgotten - by all his siblings, but it’s diego’s absence that hurts the most. it’s the lack of white knight (or leather prince?) to the rescue. klaus wishes he knew if diego was even looking for him. he wishes he knew if he’d ever even see him again, but he’s not sure his kidnappers or withdrawal or the angriest of these ghosts might kill him first. god, if only he could pretend this was all okay, just a little longer - but it’s harder the more sober he gets and fuck, fuck he misses diego

in the end it’s diego’s ex girlfriend who rescues him and maybe it would be funny if klaus weren’t so desperately scared 

if only there hadn’t been that gunshot as he crawled into the vent, the distinct sound of a body hitting the floor

he doesn’t know how he’s gonna tell diego, oh god

turns out he doesn’t get the chance  
story of his life

.

he’s a different person when he returns

he would have never ever come back if dave...if dave hadn’t - well.

if he could have, he would have stayed and lived out a whole life with his beautiful soldier decades before diego would have even been born. he hates how guilty he feels for that, feels like he betrayed the one person who cared about him back home

but home wasn’t something klaus had really known the meaning of, before home had become dave, or rather - dave had become home

dave was safety in the middle of a war, a friend in the midst of strangers, love freely given when klaus has always felt he had to scrape and claw for every inch of love he’s ever had

(and, of course, it was 1968 so it’s not like they didn’t have to keep it a secret, but it wasn’t...it wasn’t something klaus knew could never be, it wasn’t a love he could never have, it was something he almost felt worthy of)

but then he thinks of the love he somehow did manage to earn, back in the present, despite all his mistakes

maybe not exactly as he would have chosen, but diego loved him. with distance, klaus can see that. even if diego doesn’t love klaus in the way klaus loves him, it meant something

it doesn’t change things, though. not when dave is right there and ready to hold his hand

even if sometimes when he’s half-asleep or hazy from a kiss, he finds that he’s picturing diego behind his eyes, and not dave at all

it doesn’t change anything

but when he gets back he still turns to diego first when he needs help,  
so maybe his beating heart still belongs to his adoptive brother, maybe he can give it back to him like it never changed hands at all

_except how he’s always gonna feel dave’s blood on his hands, he’s never gonna be clean again, there aren’t enough drugs in the world_

_and he’s angry he’s so furious he understands diego better than ever before, understands how he got those scars, why he carries knives and a scowl wherever he goes_

the fight at the bar feels good, split knuckles and the sting of blood, heartbeat pounding almost loud enough to drown out the screaming in his head

to have diego at his back without question feels even better, but it’s not enough

he knows what he has to do

this is not how he imagined the first time he handed diego a length of rope would go

.

even if it’s not what he’s here for, it does feel nice, diego’s hands warm and tender even as he tightens the rope around klaus - the contrast between the scratch of rope and the press of his fingertips - it’s nice

he tries to remember that it matters

that even if this doesn’t work, he’s got someone

he’s not alone

but he feels so utterly abandoned, and isn’t that a shit way of looking at it, when dave had no choice in the matter and diego is always there for klaus, no matter how many times he fucks up and fucks him over?

when he knows diego understands how he feels better than anyone - and it’s even worse, because diego lost eudora when she saved klaus, and how the hell does diego not hate him for that?

and when, in the present, he’s never truly been alone - but he was ready to sever ben’s link to him, to life, without a second thought 

ben watches from the corner, frowning slightly like he knows what klaus is thinking

“i’m sorry i thought about leaving you behind” he says, out loud, and it says something that diego doesn’t ask for clarification, just seems to understand that he’s not being addressed

he’s the only one of klaus’s siblings who ever believed him about ben being around, and isn’t it funny, when they all know what klaus can do

(he’s sorry about leaving diego, too, he’ll just never say it out loud)

he loves ben so much, but he can’t always stop himself from imploding, and isn’t it better than ben doesn’t have to see that? he has no choice for company - it’s only klaus who can see him, talk to him, and so maybe ben’s grown fond of him out of necessity. but ben still deserves better than klaus. he deserves a chance to choose klaus, choose anyone, rather than be stuck with someone like him. to be stuck in the cosmos watching a dying star must be the worst fate, and what klaus really wants for ben is a better - life. or a better death, maybe. he just wishes it was within his power to give it

instead, he tells diego the things he loved about dave, the things klaus wishes he himself was - strong, beautiful, vulnerable (not weak) - and he sees ben watching him. he sees ben turn and disappear, to wherever it is the ghosts go when they’re not with klaus

klaus knows without a doubt ben’s gone to seek out dave

he’s always been selfless like that

klaus doesn’t deserve him, and he doesn’t deserve diego either, who’s helping him get his love back when klaus could do nothing to save diego’s own chance at happiness

when klaus, even after everything, couldn’t be enough for diego either

he doesn’t want to choose between them, but when his hand is forced: it’s dave

perhaps it’s because dave never knew all the bad parts of him, he’d never even heard the name reginald hargreeves, and god it was such a welcome break to be someone else - to be someone who’d never been a number and not a name, and it’s not diego’s fault but at least with dave it was -

it was -

it was so easy

and dave made him so quiet, inside

.

he sees dave  
he sees light  
he sees dave he can see him he opens his mouth he smiles and

.

that day never happened

.

the walls have crumbled and reginald hargreeve’s castle has fallen down around his wayward children

it’s the end of the world, and klaus is with diego and ben is at least sort of able to manifest, so at least there’s that

he wishes he were stronger, that maybe if he’d insisted on letting vanya out, if he’d come back for her -

but he’s weak, and this is what he deserves 

to die without ever know what it’s like to kiss diego

(sober, anyway)

but maybe - maybe, if he stayed sober, if he saved the damn world and was thusly magically transformed into some kind of hero, maybe he would be worth diego

god he’s so grateful ben saved him from that chandelier - he can’t lose diego too, and it’s just a fact, he’d probably crumble to ash right then and there, god he’s pathetic, and they’re all gonna be dead in hours anyway

 

.

the only good thing about today was being mistaken for diego’s husband

even if he said klaus would be the last man he’d want

fucking liar

klaus quips back, but he’s secretly studying diego’s face, wondering - _is it a joke? are you thinking about that rooftop too, about my hands in your hair and my tongue on metal over skin? would you really never touch me (again)?_

_do you hate me still for what i did?  
for what i didn’t do?_

diego doesn’t quite meet his eyes

.

“klaus, you can’t fight,” diego says, the words almost gentle but not quite. his hand touches klaus’s shoulder, “lookout duty is for the best.”

“there’s a lot I can’t do,” klaus murmurs, and this might be their last moment alone, their last moment alive, so what the hell

when he kisses diego it’s clear he was expecting it, and he just sinks into it, smooth and precise as he is with his knives 

it almost feels rehearsed, like a big moment in a stage play, and klaus is strangely nervous

he’s never been nervous for a kiss

(not even that drunken one in august, but, okay, he was also full of designer drugs and he’d been half sure he was imagining diego anyway)

it feels like diego should be surprised, should push him away, should at least pause but klaus is grateful that he doesn’t 

he pulls back for a moment and finds diego’s eyes. 

“diego,” he feels breathless. “that summer, years ago, did you know - do you want -?”

diego’s hands are soft on his face. he smiles

“yeah, klaus. i do.”

he lets himself be pushed into a wall of the theatre lobby. he’s pliant under diego’s hands, lets the other man take what he needs, because there’s no point in pushing further now and klaus will take what he can get

he always has

he wishes he could say it was sweet, the way diego ends the exchange with a soft kiss to klaus’s cheek just at the corner of his mouth - and maybe for him, it is

but it feels so much like goodbye

he looks down at the hand that had just been touching diego’s face, the faded tattoo mocking him,

goodbye  
goodbye  
goodbye

.

the moon explodes

what the hell, really

but he’s holding diego’s hand again

and maybe, they have a chance


End file.
